Tax Fun

11:15 am

Brrrrring  brrrrring.  Brrrrring brrrrring.

#1 – “Hello this is Charlie Sneed number oh one seven six five seven oh how can I help you today”  <Like many government workers, he speaks without punctuation>

“Hello.  I’m an HR Manager and I have a foreign citizen working here under an H1B visa.  I am in charge of the payroll, and I made a mistake and did not withhold enough taxes for this gentleman in 2006, so we want to know how to proceed with his tax return.” <I speak in a perky, friendly, please-help-me-not-go-to-jail-for-tax-fraud kind of voice>

“Let me direct you to someone who can resolve that issue hold one moment”

#2 – “Hello this is Lester Barber number six five four three two one oh how can I help you today”  <Vocally this dude is a clone of the last guy.>

“Hello.  I’m an HR Manager and I have a foreign citizen working here under an H1B visa.  I am in charge of the payroll, and I made a mistake and did not withhold enough taxes for this gentleman in 2006, so we want to know how to proceed with his tax return.” <I expected to repeat my story a few times.  Still cool and collected.>

“I’m going to have to get you over to Individual Tax Question Service, please hold.”

<< Computer voice – “Please wait.”>>

<<Classical music.  Tchaikovsky.  Waltz of the Flowers, I believe.>>

#3 – “Hello, this is Mr. Johnson, number nine one nine one one nine one, how can I help you today.” <We’ve got a couple commas out of this guy.  I start to hope.>

“Hello.  I’m an HR Manager . . . etc etc . . . how to proceed with his tax return.” <3 times told.  Not bad.  Not too bad.>

“I’m sorry but this is an Employer Services Question, I’m going to have to transfer you back to them, hold one moment.”

<< Computer voice again asking me to wait, and the same classical piece.>>

#4 – “Hello this is Oneida Braun number seven seven seven seven seven seven how can I help you.”

“Hey.  Oneida.  I have a real problem here.  I’m an HR Manager . . . etc. etc.” <Getting over telling this story.  But still hanging in there.>

“Hold one moment.” <Oh my gosh, she asked me to hold.  Good.  This is good.>

 **************TWENTY MINUTES PASS************************

“I’m sorry, this is outside my area of expertise, I’m going to transfer you to the Law Department.”

“But wait, Oneida . . .” <click>  <computer voice> <classical piece.  I used to like Tchaikovsky.>

#5 – “Hello, this is Idoane Givva-Shitt, number six one six one four three two.  How may I help you?”

**************ONE HOUR LATER***************************************

#12 – “Hello, this is Screwe Ewe number blah blah, how can I make your day worse, I mean, help you?”

“You are the twelfth person I have talked to.  Please help me.  I have a guy, he didn’t pay enough taxes, I made a mistake, we’re trying to fill out his form.”

“Is he a resident or non-resident alien?”

“I don’t know.  I guess resident?  But the tax forms he gave me are for a non-resident.”

“Have you read Publication 515?”

“No, I don’t know what that is, but I’m looking on the H1B facts website and it says -“

“Have you read Publication 515?”

“No.  I think I said no.”

“Well I am looking at Publication 515 right now and it says that if his grandmother owned a chicken in India sometime prior to the vernal equinox of 1993, and he was a student at a non-non-U.S. university accredited by a foreign body, and he lives on a street with a name that starts with D, then he is considered a non-resident alien.”

“OK.  I’m not sure about those things so just tell me what to do if he’s a non-resident alien and I’ll check with him later.”

“I’ll have to transfer you to the non-resident alien section, hold one moment please.”

#13 <Introductions, etc., nothing unusually friendly or helpful from this guy, no reason to hope this is the end, but still I press on with my story>

“Etc. etc. can you help me?”

 “Well I need him to answer some questions first.”

<I thrill at the prospect of putting one of these guys on hold.> “Let me page him and put you on hold, it’ll be less than a minute.”

"OK."

**************************THIRTY SECONDS LATER*****************

<My foreigner is here, and the IRS line is still lit up, but there is no one there.  After a minute of silence on the line we re-dial.  After 2 transfers to get us to the right department, we get the same guy – I know it’s him – I match his ID number.>

“Hi, I think I was just speaking with you?  I have the Indian national who was having trouble?"

"I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are, you’ll have to explain."

<With remarkable restraint, I explain YET AGAIN.>

"So can you tell us what to do?"

“Well what are you planning on doing to correct this problem?”

“Um, I don’t know, I’m asking you.”

“Well you should fill out his return and then pay what he owes.”

“His return says he gets a refund.”

“What form did you fill out?”

“The 1040NREZ.”

“Why did you fill that one out??  That is the totally wrong return.”

“THAT IS WHAT I F-ING CALLED YOU TO FIND OUT.  WHAT F-ING RETURN DOES HE NEED TO FILL OUT.  HOW MUCH DOES HE PAY.  WHEN IS IT DUE.”

“Put him on please.”

*******************FIVE FULL MINUTES OF INSULTS AND DEEP SIGHS FROM THE SERIOUSLY PUT-UPON SERVICE GUY WHO DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TAX EXPERT WHICH IS WHY I’M CALLING HIM, AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING OR I WOULDN’T HAVE CALLED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND WE’RE TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING*********************

"I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to transfer you to the 1040EZNR department."

Slam. That was us hanging up the phone.  We’re filing his damn return as it is.  We’ll file an amended one later.  If they’re lucky.

And oh by the way?  It’s 2pm.  What a wonderful use of my time.  I knew I was asking for it when I mentioned that the job was going better.  That my friends, that is called hubris.  Beware of it.