A Notice of Mutiny

Dear Gillian:

We, the undersigned, having congregated, met, gathered, mingled, converged, conversed, discussed, deliberated, declaimed, and made determinations, decisions, and deductions this Monday, the fifth of November, do hereby respectfully submit this notice for your immediate and undivided attention.

At 2:33 p.m. on this day, the aforementioned Monday, the fifth of November, you sprung upon us without notice or warning a hideous, grueling forty five minutes of labor and pain not heretofore imposed since prior to September first of this year.  Given that this September day was a birthday for you, and represented thirteen straight years of hideous, grueling sessions of labor – not to exceed two hours daily per our previous arrangement – we took this long period of rest to be the cessation of said labor, permanent and unalterable, in recognition and celebration of said birthday.

After thirteen straight years of faithful service performed in the name of your vanity and health (in that order, and we have that information directly from the Brain), we were very much enjoying our reduced hours.  Your activity level of late has required only a skeleton crew, and many of our number, cognizant of this fact and pursuant to the laws and economies of successful business, have been let go with generous severance packages and are enjoying early retirement in various tropical locales, under the insulating fatty layers of myriad and sundry relaxing vacationers and retired persons.

Should you decide to continue sessions in the same manner as you employed today, we shall be forced to once again add staff to accommodate your needs, and therefore we require written notice by close of business on Tuesday, the sixth of November, of your intentions.  In the meantime, in order to discourage you from such displays of defiance in the future, we have employed Back Muscles LRR 630 and LRL 632 to spasm not less than ten times per hour until they are too fatigued to continue, and also have enlisted the round ligaments in your ever expanding uterus to twist and stretch and tweak you unmercifully for the rest of the business day, in exchange for which we will give them one of our extra doses of protein the next time your gorge yourself on an enormous steak.

We anticipate your prompt answer with an action plan at the ready.  In the meantime, we remain

Respectfully Yours,

The Muscles