It occurred to me while I was grocery shopping last night that our wedding vows, while beautiful and romantic and traditional, were not totally indicative of what we were getting into. Here is perhaps how they should have gone:
I, Gillian Galadriel W_____, take you, Patrick John E_____, to be my lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, til death do us part. I further vow to never buy mushrooms, onions, or pickles again, and to never use them in my cooking, or if I do to make them very large chunks so you can easily pick them out and give them to me. Although I love a portabella mushroom sandwich, I love you more. I vow not to buy more than two Morningstar Farms faux meat items per shopping trip, and not to make you eat them, if you promise to try each kind at least once and give me an honest answer about how they taste. I vow to always remember the orange juice, the ginger ale, and the hot dogs, three items that you go through like there is no tomorrow, and I further promise to pick up a Cadbury chocolate bar if I see one, and also eggnog (during the acceptable post-Thanksgiving, pre-New Years Time frame). I promise that when we share a steak at the Outback (your favorite chain restaurant), I will go up from Rare if you will drop down from Medium, and we will meet in the middle at Medium Rare – but only if you let me have bleu cheese dressing on our salad. I promise to eat the whole box of macaroni and cheese myself, since you hate it, if you promise not to judge me on the days that I do so in one sitting. I vow to convert most of my shopping to generic brands, whenever possible, if you will give up the idea of generic toilet paper (ouch) and allow me to have my Ziploc brand sandwich bags. And finally, I will learn to love pepperoni pizza because it is your favorite and I know that I have no hope of converting you to my favorite (which is mushroom). Amen.
I, Patrick, take you, Gillian, to be my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, til death do us part. I further vow to eat 8 apples in one sitting when necessary, usually because you got excited and bought 3 bags of fruit in one shopping trip, not thinking about how fast it would spoil. You know how I hate for things to spoil, but I know how you love an overflowing bowl of fresh fruit. I promise that I can be happy with Wheat Thins and Tostitos as the only snack foods allowed in our house, if you will let me fatten you up with a frozen pizza once in a while. I also vow that although I love white bread, I love you more, and I can accept Whole Wheat bread (and Whole Wheat bagels, English muffins, hot dog buns, and even by God frozen waffles) because I know you are just keeping us healthy. I promise to get excited (or convincingly feign excitement) over whatever low fat dessert item is your latest craze, and also to cook as many meals as you like, as long as they are frozen pizza, hot dogs, or fish sticks and rice. I further vow not to grumble too much when you look at my plate, shout "there’s nothing green on there!" and hop up to make peas or broccoli to force feed to me. I vow to encourage you to buy and reuse Ziploc bags to your heart’s content, as long as you vow not to make me get involved in washing them. And finally, I promise that I do like and will eat Morningstar farms fake chicken patties – as long as you allow me to continue to protest them and declare them disgusting in the presence of my male friends. Amen.
This is hilarious. Even more hilarious is the fact that I just thought about this sort of thing YESTERDAY. I kid you not. I was going through our wedding guest list to gather my Christmas card list and the list is on the same drive as our wedding ceremony. I called up the ceremony and when I read our vows, I thought, "You know, we knew what we were getting into here. Why didn\’t we write them to be more specific?? and funny??"
Awesome, awesome, awesome.
Amanda 🙂
This blog made me hungry! Is this what makes your marriage? Food?
More power to you!
Actually, Hayworth, what made me think of this blog was a lack of food. Oh, how I long for mushrooms. I remember the day when I used to start every meal preparation by slicing mushrooms, dicing onions, and sauteing them in oil along with some fresh garlic. Spaghetti? Yes. Stir fry? Yes. Beef stew? Double yes. Now, alas, I have traded mushrooms for a man. Oh, I have stooped low for regular lovin\’ (and a "legitimate" father for my child).
I love onions, and I\’ve had a tough time getting them since Michelle and I have been married. She hates them, and I think they\’re the best things ever. I make up for it by putting them on the sandwiches I take to work. But if she goes out of town, and I\’m cooking just for me, it\’s an Onion Extravaganza at my house.
are you pregnant or something? geez, you\’re talking about food as though you had a bun in the oven.
now that is just way too funny…
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