National Pregnant Biatch Month

You may be unaware that February is “Screw it, I’m 7 Months Pregnant” Month.  Examples of how you can show your support:

·        Notice that underneath the toilet is getting somewhat grimy and could use a quick swipe with an antibacterial wipe.  Briefly consider doing it.  Think of the logistics of levering yourself down onto the bathroom floor in such a way that you can reach this area of the toilet without having your hair in the trashcan.  Say the monthly mantra, and go watch tv instead.

·        During your morning commute, choke on the layers of dog hair coating your car’s upholstery and carpeting.  Check your purse for quarters to use at the car wash vacuum stations.  During your lunch break, head for the station.  Park by the pump.  Realize that you have parked too close and can’t fit out the car door.  Remember what month it is, say the monthly mantra, and immediately speed over to McDonald’s to spend the quarters on some fries and an ice cream cone.

·        Go to your weekly grocery shop with a very strict list of what you need to buy, remembering you have a refrigerator full of leftovers that will last you a week.  Walk by the bakery with averted eyes.  Avoid the produce aisle.  Get to the checkout line with only the seven items on your list.  Notice a calendar on the wall, remember yourself, and dive back into the grocery with gusto.  Leave $90 later with plenty of ice cream, fresh vegetables, cinnamon raisin bread, and frozen pizza.

·        See the dog eating a clump of hair.  Do nothing.  It won’t kill him.

·        Have a Coke with your lunch.  Don’t worry about caffeinating the baby.  It won’t kill him either.

·        Find your floors in all rooms completely disgusting.  Decide to see if you can bribe your sister into cleaning them.  If not, turn off some lights.