H is for Hibernate

A is for Awful. B is for Blech. C is for Cold. D is for Dismal. E is for . . . you get the point.

It’s been sleeting all day, and I’ve been hiding under blankets. It’s President’s Day – a “day off” at work – and tomorrow is Mardi Gras – also a “day off” even though there are no parades. I’ve tried to take the day actually off, with mixed success. After working 140 hours in the first 12 days of February, I needed (and took) a long winter’s nap. Now I’m trying to answer a few emails, still in pjs and slippers snuggled up under a blanket. This past 12 days, I have really been struck by how much of this profession is me managing the aggression of a bunch of angry men – many of whom have called me multiple times today leaving increasingly agitated messages because I didn’t get right back to them. I was just telling the Prof – I’m a very good project manager, I’m excellent at briefing, I get the “chess” of legal strategy, I’m good at mentoring people and managing deadlines and appearing in court, competent and prepared and nimble. But I am not naturally aggressive, and I am not a bully, and absorbing a ceaseless barrage of testosterone-fueled abuse, along with figuring out the best way to respond to it when my instinct is to apologize and work to get back in their good graces has worn right through me lately. I had one female opposing counsel recently, just one, and we settled our matter with minimal fuss, for an amount fair to both parties, and it was so easy. She sent me a Christmas card and has offered to mentor me if I need it. I just sent her a referral. I’m thinking through the rest of my cases and every single one has a man as opposing counsel – no women. Probably half of my clients are women, but very few o/c. What a profession I’ve chosen. (I’m not alleging that there are zero aggressive bullying women in this profession – I worked for some at my last firm – but it is possible to do this job without preening and posturing and pressuring, and I’ve met very few men so far capable of lawyering without bullying. Also, they get EXTRA mad when a girl beats them in court.)

Ooh! Speaking of beating useless men in Court! Adventure story time!! Last Thursday, I left New Orleans after lunch for a 5 hour drive to Shreveport (for an in-person court hearing scheduled for Friday afternoon.) The bulk of the drive between NOLA and the Shreve is through isolated swampy woods, a town here or there.

As I drove the first couple hours, the temp dropped precipitously to the mid 30s. It poured rain, so bad we were all crawling along with our hazards on, and thunder boomed. I listened to Armchair Expert with half an ear and mostly tried not to hydroplane.

There I was white knuckling it, when suddenly the road noise in the car tripled in volume. Something was definitely wrong. After finding an isolated, pitch black exit, I pulled over and lay flat on the soaking cold ground in the rain and shone my iPhone flashlight underneath. I have scarcely been in more miserable circumstances.

My weak little iPhone flashlight revealed that a big piece of car was hanging down, ragged from being torn and dragged down the highway. It was bolted on the driver’s side, but hanging down raggedy on the passenger side. It was too firmly attached to rip loose and too far away to get the leverage to shove it back up. I sat up and just stared in the middle distance a sec, while rain poured down on my head, thinking lots of bad words.

After much fretting and looking over my shoulder at the pitch black nothingness around and waiting for a pack of murderers to set upon me, I called my spouse and FIL for suggestions. Ultimately I got back in and limped the car along to a well lit gas station full of unhelpful people. My insurance called a tow for my car and suggested I find an Uber to pick me up as their covid policy prohibited me riding in the cab of the tow. Guys there were no Ubers or cabs within 50 miles of this truck stop. I could maybe have gotten a dragonfly to pick me up in an airboat.

The tow truck driver found the suggestion ludicrous as well, and helped me and my bags into the cab of his truck and then, upon learning my Civic is a stick shift, happily chatted about cars the whole drive to the nearest town while I nodded and smiled as if I understood a word. Thursday, 10:30 pm found me decamped to a La Quinta in a tiny mid-Louisiana town 2 hours from the courthouse where my hearing was to be held the next day. We heard word the hearing would likely be canceled due to the inclement weather coming our way, which made me weep into my hotel ice bucket. Ultimately it was not, and I largely prevailed, although the judge did require me to remove my mask so he could understand me, so I probably have coronavirus now. The opposing counsel was a smirking asshole all the way through, despite the fact that the Court was screaming at him and issued sanctions.

Anyhow. Now I am home. (I was able to get home – a Honda dealer nearby ripped the sheet off the bottom of my car, and I drove the car home to have the thing replaced here in NOLA.) It is very cold here. Chill air is coming in under the cracks in our poorly insulated windows, and our heater is struggling to keep up. We aren’t in serious trouble like the Texans, of course, we have power . . . but it’s cheerless and drab. I moved some of our plants inside, and underneath one of the pots I found a lizard, frozen solid. I’m worried about our neighborhood stray, a black cat who we all feed and occasionally neighbors catch and run to the vet for periodic shots. I’d let her in for warmth, if I could find her.

And of course, it’s (supposed to be) Lundi Gras. The Yardi Gras house decorations were fun at first but now they just bum me out. At carline Thursday, the little boys’ school had solo singers (masked) outside singing do whatcha wanna and the other MG classics as a way to get some Mardi Gras cheer, and I found myself unexpectedly crying as I drove away. Like, it’s so thoughtful and nice to try to keep some festivities alive but it’s such a sad, wan little replacement for the real thing. If you look through my archives for the past 16 years (OMG WOW, it’s been almost 16 years I’ve been writing this ol’ thing) it is obvious that February is consistently my most difficult month to get through mentally, and eliminating Mardi Gras celebrations has been an extra bummer after the coronavirus stay-home period on top of everything.

Well. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I purchased some chocolates for all of us to share, and I have eaten approximately 50 of them. I’m also giving up alcohol for Lent and so after a dry January I’ve had a non-dry February, and these last couple days I’ve enjoyed some Beam along with my hazelnut chocolate ganache covered crummy Costco chocolate. We’ll make it through this month, and March will be warmer. And I’m hopeful I don’t have to go to Shreveport again for some time, so no more swamp adventures.