Low High

What really got me riled up was this instruction, which I’ve received a number of times in a number of “Tips for Professional Women” contexts:

Practice lowering your voice.  If you want to do public speaking, you have to have a lower voice. This takes work, to change your natural voice, but get it as low as you can.

FLAMES.  FLAMES, ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.

So . . . women’s voices are less pleasant than men’s deeper ones, I guess?  To succeed in public speaking, Be As Much Like a Man As You Can?  Maybe we can cut to the chase and just write the speech, then let a man give it!

Here are a few more:

Women tilt their head when they are in a conversation – it’s a way to show you’re listening.  Don’t tilt your head, men don’t do it!  It’s submissive!

Women, when they knock on a colleague’s door, tend to say “Excuse me, if this is a bad time I can come back, but I’d like to talk about XYZ.”  Men don’t excuse themselves, they stride in like they belong there and start talking, interruption be damned.  Don’t say excuse me!  Be like a man!  Stride in that room, no apology!

Women consider carefully a job before they take it, and examine whether they are a good fit, whether they can handle the load with what they are already carrying, and whether they can fully serve in the role.  Men just take the job!  They don’t worry about whether they belong there!  They don’t examine whether they can do it!

Two observations: (1) This is way too gender essentialist, way too generalized.  Removes all nuance.   Reinforces gender norms for both sides that may or may not be true, and also demands that we view gender as binary instead of more fluid.  There are aggressive women.  There are diplomatic men.  (2) This makes Being More Aggressively Male the goal of all young professional women.  Instead of recognizing that perhaps being a good listener, being polite, and thinking carefully about taking on responsibility is a good thing?  Instead of noting that awareness of tendencies is important, without assigning value to one or the other tendency, it insists that the more aggressive, more selfish route is always best.

Maybe both aggression and diplomacy have something to offer?

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This is something I fantasize about.  It involves stereotypes, gender essentialism, but go with it.

I’ve arranged a big client meeting.  I have invited all of the lawyers.  It is mandatory, so they all come (there’s the first fantasy!)  I have drawn the curtains, so none of them know what is inside the room until they enter, and are seen, and cannot leave without losing face.

They walk into a room full of pedicure massage chairs, several pedicurists.  Lights are low, spa music plays, mimosas and poinsettias are passed around on a tray.  Already sitting in the chairs are the female CEOs of some major clients we want to win (the second fantasy!  But we’d need that power there, and the financial incentive to stay and try to win over that power.)  A row of nail colors on the wall – the men are invited to choose one.

This is where the deal has to be made, in this female space.  Women are the decision makers here.  If the men want the money, they have to sit with their feet in a manicure bath, poinsettia in hand, and chat nail colors for a few minutes.

This is a big deal we need to score, and they want the money enough to try, but they are already pissed at their disadvantage.

They feel like they don’t belong.  It is unfamiliar, and uncomfortable.  All of the older female CEOs and the female lawyers of all ages, who have sat in manicure chairs at least a few times in their lives and know how this goes, slip easily into the routine.  “Square or round?” asks the pedicurist, and the women answer.  The men have no idea what this question even means.  Some find an ally in a young female lawyer, who kindly and quietly whispers instructions and clarifications to help the floundering men through the process without looking like a total fool.  Though, of course, they do feel foolish, because they are in a place that men traditionally do not go, doing things men traditionally do not do, and it is obvious that they are uncomfortable with it.

One of the CEOs is weeping, telling a story about her child’s struggle with cancer.  Women lawyers surround her, hold her hand, quietly murmuring concern and encouragement.  The men are wildly uncomfortable.  It is hard for them to be in this room and still “be male,” feel like a man.  They are intruders, and the fact that they are only there to make the contact, only there because they want something from somebody in that room, is even more obvious when you understand that there’s no way they’d be there otherwise.

The men who experience the most success with this exercise are the ones who most appeal to the females in the room.  The ones who can mimic the female norms, who can most closely follow the rules made by the females.  The ones who can pat the crying CEO’s hand and listen without looking like they want to crawl under a rock.  Like is drawn to like.  The most feminine men, or the men most willing to conform to feminine norms, are the winners.  The men to whom this does not appeal, and who cannot fake that it does, are shut out of the deal.

Then, of course, they walk out of the room, and the balance of power is restored, and they never have to do this again.  They can walk out of the room any time.

We can never “walk out of the room.”

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Women tilt their head when they are in a conversation – it’s a way to show you’re listening.  Men, on the other hand, do less listening, and instead just wait for their turn to talk.  Men – tilt your head!  It’s a good exercise, shows the person you’re speaking to that you are engaged with them!

Women, when they knock on a colleague’s door, tend to say “Excuse me, if this is a bad time I can come back, but I’d like to talk about XYZ.”  Men don’t excuse themselves, they stride in like they belong there and start talking, interruption be damned.  Men – say excuse me!  No need to start the interaction rudely!  Get off on the right foot!

Women consider carefully a job before they take it, and examine whether they are a good fit, whether they can handle the load with what they are already carrying, and whether they can fully serve in the role.  Men just take the job!  They don’t worry about whether they belong there!  They don’t examine whether they can do it!  Men – when you do this, you often get put into positions where you are set up to fail.  Next time you get offered a major promotion, think deeply about whether it’s a good fit!  

Men – the next time you give a presentation, try to make your voice a little higher.  This takes work, to change your natural voice, but get it as high as you can.