Mornings

We had our first “I hate you” this morning.  I deserved it – I was hollering out of frustration with my eldest little angel’s inability to freaking eat an Eggo waffle and get on a pair of size-5 jeans in less than three hours.  For the love of all that is holy, Jack – just put your mouth around the waffle, bite down, and chew, and when your mouth is empty do it again and again and again until your plate is empty and your belly is full.  He’s slow at lunch, he’s slow at dinner, but neither of those meals ever have the time pressure of the breakfast hour.  We’ve finally succeeded in having him eat what we eat, but he’s still resisting chewing at the rate of a normal human.  Liam typically gets food in his hair and all over his pjs, spits things at the wall, slobbers everywhere, and slimes his chair, but he does it with SPEED, which means I can swoop in once he’s laid waste to the breakfast table and wipe off his face, hands, and hair, get him dressed, clean the food off the dog, wash the table, clean the floor, and still have time to knit a fisherman’s sweater and learn conversational Japanese before Jack has taken his third bite.

Mornings need rejiggered.  Something’s got to be done.  If anyone has any advice on how to speed up a glacier-like four year old, lay it on me, because I’m losing my mind.  I have managed to get him to advance through the morning routine without whining constantly, which was the latest victory in my righteous battle against these devils that I bred.  Alas, I appear to have won the battle but lost the war – we have considerably less whining, but we’re still late to school/work by twenty minutes at least every damn day.  Aside from chewing up his food and spitting into his mouth like some sort of sparrow, I don’t know what to do.  (And believe it or not, I once even tried giving them smoothies for breakfast.  No chewing involved – and also no drinking, as Jack merely eyed it suspiciously and then whined for the next twenty minutes that it was weird and he wanted juice and a fruit bar.)

This is how mornings typically go now.  I wake at 6am.  I do a 15-30 minutes of a prenatal yoga video I have – I ain’t prenatal, but it’s the only one I’ve got and it’s actually perfect.  Low key, very soothing, and presented in ten minute chunks which makes it easy to tailor the workout to the time I have.  I just started this last week, and I really don’t want to give it up because it changes the whole day for the better.  It was Step One of my attempt to re-take our miserable mornings – start off with Mommy in a Zen state, thereby increasing Mommy’s patience, decreasing the yelling, and helping us move through the morning in a more productive fashion.  I’ve gotten Step One down, but I need to know what to try for a Step Two.

After yoga (6:30) I make the kids’ breakfast and set it out, then wake them both and set them down at the table to begin the epic journey through breakfast.  I usually shower at this time, leaving them to their meals, and while I get ready I check in on them from the bathroom every few minutes and try to keep them moving along.  Somewhere in here I walk, feed, and water the dog; put purse, coats, packed lunch, and various bags in the car; and do any other chores (dishes, take down the trash, etc).  I dress Liam while hollering at Jack to get himself dressed and yes I know he’s not finished eating but he’s been eating for an hour and we have to switch to getting dressed now because we’re late and yes he can take his Nutri Grain bar in the car if he would JUST PUT ON THOSE SHOES YOUNG MAN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

I’ve tried getting everything all set the night before – clothes set out, breakfast dishes out, packed lunch made, coats in their carseats, etc.  (It’s helpful, but doesn’t solve the Epic Journey Through Breakfast problem.)  I’ve tried having them do the dog chores.  (Not even remotely helpful, since they just end up fighting and screaming at each other over who gets to do it, and meanwhile the dog takes off down the street, trailing his leash behind him and yelling FREEDOOOOOMMMMMM.)  I’ve tried setting a timer. (Has absolutely no impact on them whatsoever.)  I’ve tried having cartoons on during breakfast, and having cartoons off.  (On = watch cartoons, slack-jawed, and do not move forward.  Off = food fights with each other, arguing, splashing in the juice, etc.)  I have NOT tried sitting down with them and supervising every second of breakfast, because I’d have to bump my wake-up time to 5:30 to be able to make that happen, and I try to avoid seeing a “5” as the first digit in my clock unless it’s totally necessary.  I suppose we can try that, although I will say that dinner’s no quicker and I AM sitting with them then.

Maybe I could wake, feed, and dress one at a time?  Liam would have to be first since he usually gets up by 6:30 anyway.  Maybe I could skip table breakfast and just give them handheld food to eat in the car?  I guarantee Jack will never finish it, and then he’ll be hungry and whiny, but I guess that’s his teacher’s problem . . . I can’t think of any bribes appropriate for the morning (Christmas cookies/an episode of Dora/an extra bedtime story are the usual dinnertime bribes), threatening with Santa and/or monsters doesn’t work, timeouts aren’t the best solution because I don’t have TIME for a timeout.

The last couple of mornings I’ve had red-faced screaming matches with my four year old, which is a terrible way for either of us to start the day.  Today I got my well-deserved “I hate you,” and I don’t think that should make a regular appearance until at LEAST the age of twelve, so I’ve got to figure out how to drag my children into readiness for the day without losing my ever loving mind.  Or killing them.