We played a game the other day, Jack and I. In this game, which we played on the sidewalk as we headed to a nearby bookstore, he would run ahead of me, then stop, turn, throw his arms wide, and run back saying “I LOVE you, Mama!” Then I’d swoop him up in my arms, give him a big hug, and say I loved him, too, and I had missed him so much. And then he’d wriggle away to run ahead again and repeat the whole scene. He loved it, the manufactured drama of parting and meeting, parting and meeting. I loved it, too.
This morning I was getting Jack dressed, and Liam marched over to insert himself between us, loudly objecting to my cuddling of anyone other than him. So I reached my arms around him and put Jack’s pants on with Liam sitting in my lap, sucking his thumb and holding onto my hair. As you can imagine, it took a bit longer to do it that way, but I didn’t mind. They both love to be close, sometimes battling for prime cuddling territory, but sometimes fine with sharing the circle of my hug with one another. Today as Liam sat, grumpily eyeing his competition and ready to throw elbows if necessary to preserve his lap-spot, said competition patted him on the shoulder and said “It’s ok, Wee-am, Mama hold you. You no cry.”
The double-edged sword of their constant need of Mama simultaneously wears me out and thrills me. They are cuddlers, just like me, although they also often refuse hugs, won’t sit still for a cuddle, jerk away when I try to hold hands. Their independence is like Jack’s game: they pull away and then rush back, over and over again. I suppose I do this with my own mother, too, in a grown-up sort of way.
Taking care of a toddler and a preschooler is a tough life, but a good one, and even though sometimes I wish we had a Grandma nearby to take them off my hands for an hour once in a while, I hope they know that I’m having a good time with them. I delight in these boys, these loves. I know I say it here again and again, but it bears repeating. Every year they grow older, I love being with them more, and I will adore them both until the day I die.