It’s blog share time! The one time of year when we get to write what we want and post it on someone else’s blog, anonymously! So don’t be puzzled by what you read below. Enjoy! (At the bottom, you will find the link to all participants in this year’s blog share, and no, I’m not telling which post is mine).
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I really, really, really want to have a kid. Well, a couple, actually.
The thing is, I don’t.
I teach. I get a fresh crop of 100 or so children every year. I don’t want to go home from that, just to take care of more children. I don’t want to have to play in the snow with them. I don’t want to lose sleep. I don’t want to change dirty diapers and catch vomit in my hands and deal with broken bones. I don’t want to have to give a bath every night. I don’t want to have to find a babysitter. Ever.
They take up space. They’re noisy and messy and they break things. They cost a lot. Seriously, I like my stuff. I like my freedom. I like having money. I like getting to go on vacation with my husband if I want to, or going out to dinner, or grabbing a bottle of wine and drinking the whole thing during the Daily Show.
I don’t want to get saggy boobs. I don’t want to have to get rid of the baby weight. I’m scared of having a flat ass. I don’t EVER want to have a mom body in mom clothes. You KNOW you know what I mean.
They hate you. They break your heart. They get hurt and cry.
This world sucks, sometimes. Do I want to subject a child to that? Do I want to subject a child to ME? I could totally screw this kid up.
But I get all stomach-twisty and heart-achy inside with this passionate urge to have a child.
Can “biological instinct” really be this strong?
Every part of me says I’m not ready for a child, that I might never be ready. That I’m too selfish to give up what I have for some little person that, let’s face it, might not ever “thank me when you’re older.”
Every part, that is, except that stomach-twisty, heart-achy, “biological” part. That’s the part that wants to hold a newborn baby in my arms until I don’t have any strength left in them, then carry her to bed with me and lay awake watching her sleep all night. That wants him to come running to me, his mommy, every single time he’s hurt. That wants to see her eyes light up when I enter the room, to cuddle at bedtime with a book, to run around in circles with him in the back yard. The part that knows I’d totally rock the socks off of parenting, and still stay cool in the meantime.
There’s that part of me that wants to quit my job to stay home and spend my days making crafts, shaping Play-Doh, practicing numbers and colors, playing dress-up, and baking Shrinky-Dinks.
And then, the STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN that I am backs into the corner of my brain reserved for my biggest fears, and quakes at the thought.
Will I become a shell of myself? Will I lose everything I fought so hard to gain? Or will I find something else altogether that I never imagined?
I don’t know.
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Participants:
Reflections in the Snow-Covered Hills
Dear Anonymous Poster On My Blog:
I have the exact same thoughts myself! Only from the other side. I miss drinking a whole bottle of wine during The Office! I miss my perky boobs! I HATE this poochy belly – hate it, oh god I hate it so much. The relentless nightly child-bathing can be a real drag. Babysitters are expensive. My couch, which I used to love, is totally destroyed. This is just stuff, yes, and money and time, but you cannot underestimate the psychic energy that you will spend mourning your stuff, money, and time once the kidlets come along. And we haven’t even touched on the sleep deprivation. It is pretty hard to subjugate your wants to their needs, day in and day out, for years.
But I’m honestly telling you, that for me, I wouldn’t trade it. I love it I love it I love it, even when I hate it. Kids are cute – other people’s kids are darn cute, I love kids. But MY kids – oh man. It’s partly the biological drive to adore them, and partly the fact that they just love ME so darn much, but it’s also the way that you understand what a feat every single little milestone is, because you watched it happen. When they were born, they were these squalling helpless little pink things, and in a mere couple of weeks they learn to smile, and then to grab, and then to play games with you, and then tell jokes, and then be astronauts and salesmen and football players and whatever else they’ll grow up to be. Watching that from the inside, as a parent, is really, really fun and cool. My children exhaust me and delight me. And, although in the thick of the baby years this can be hard to remember, I know that this very needy age won’t last forever, won’t even last that much longer, and then I can buy a new couch (and maybe have a tummy tuck!) and they can give their own selves baths.
I have it easier than you, because I always knew I wanted children. My friends who have no children and always knew they didn’t want them also have it easier than you. I hope you figure out in which camp you fall. Both life paths have a lot to offer. Good luck!
I think being a parent is both WAY harder and WAY easier than you think. It complicates your life, but it makes life so much more fun and exciting. Which doesn’t mean it’s right for you, but I do think it is much easier to imagine the hard parts than the good parts. I can’t explain how good the good parts are.
Also, I don’t think a strong person loses herself. Maybe for a few weeks/months in the newborn stage when everything is about the baby, but you’ll still be the same person you were before, if that’s who you want to be.
Oh wow – I could have written this, exactly. I feel EXACTLY the same. I don’t want to have a kid. At all. Ever. For all the reasons you mentioned and more. BUT there’s that part of me that won’t shut about seeing my husband with our baby in his arms… Looking at a child with my eyes and his smile… Watching our parents rejoice in a grandchild.
ACK.
I’m hoping someday, one half of myself will smother the other!
I felt like this a lot before I had a baby too, although as a previous commenter said I had it easier because I always knew I wanted kids. One thing I will say is that while all of what you say is true, it’s not like you get thrown in with a toddler. They start out small and while the sleep deprivation is bad, it is otherwise pretty easy at first. Baths aren’t necessary every night at first (I think we give ours a bath once a week, and he’s almost 1…we’ll have to increase it soon, but still not to every night). Things go at a progression where you get used to it. Of course as soon as you ARE used to it one way they move on to something else. But still; it’s a process, and there are definite benefits. Nothing makes me smile and laugh more than watching my son giggle at himself.
Of course, if you decide that you don’t want children that is a good place to be too! Sometimes I dream about what we could do if we didn’t have a child (and want another one). All the time we would have (and money). Each choice has its advantages and disadvantages. I hope you come to peace with whatever you decide. 🙂
Oh wow, I feel the EXACT same way. For a long, long time I couldn’t ever see myself with kids, but then my friends started having kids and … I don’t know, I think I’m just getting used to the idea. I have none now, and I’m not going to be ready for a few more years, but I feel like the window of wanting motherhood is sloooowwwwly opening.
Amen, amen, amen. I think I’m just telling myself I don’t want kids, but I sort of do. My husband clearly doesn’t, but I think a strong preference on my part would trump his preference. Oh, I feel so much of this. Thank you for writing it. I just don’t know if I could be honest enough with myself to write a whole post devoted to it!
My husband and I don’t want kids. Neither do my sister and brother-in-law. I don’t doubt for a second that we’ve made the right decision, but I do have thoughts. I feel badly that our parents don’t get to experience the joy of being grandparents. I wonder if there will be anyone to help us when we get older. However, I know I am not molded to have children. I don’t have a desire or longing to be a mom. My husband and I both have heriditary illnesses that I would hate to subject another human being to. My life is overwhelming as it is and I can’t fathom how I could function if I added another person to it. I love my dogs and they provide all the love I need and desire for nuturing I have.
I usually don’t like other people’s kids, but I adore my own kid. Biology is powerful stuff.
My husband had an interesting take on it. He told me he didn’t want to turn 60 and look back and say, “maybe we missed out. Maybe we should have had kids.” As women, we have to make that decision in a rather short amount of time. The kicker is, though, you don’t want to regret it later. I think if you have any interest in having kids, do it. I’ve rarely heard from moms (except maybe single moms not planning on kids) who have said, “I wish I had never had kids.” They may say that they wish they’d had more support, or waited longer, or had more money — but rarely will you hear that they wish the kids weren’t there. Again, biology is powerful stuff.