I have less than an hour before I have to leave to pick up my child, and I declare defeat. To attempt to work on my research in this small window of time is foolish. I would just get going, several brower windows open, my mind reoriented to where I left off, and then bang – the clock would tell me it was time to shut it all down and go. Last time I tried to actually accomplish something on a Monday or a Wednesday morning, I ended up running full tilt down Saint Charles Avenue in flip flops, my two backpacks (one full of books, one full of breast pump, my daily companions) flailing around, them and me and my inappropriate shoes (but not my sanity) sliding into the preschool pickup line literally as the bell tower struck twelve. It’s two dollars a minute for every minute past noon, a deterrant to keep us busy parents from taking advantage of a few more seconds, just a tiny bit more time, which is what I tried to do on that day. I don’t leave it that late anymore. So now, Tuesdays and Thursdays after 2:15 are the only times I have to get things accomplished.
This is not enough time, this is not enough time, I sing my daily mantra as I try to be both stay at home mom and second year law student. Be support to my dissertation-finishing husband as he works mornings and weekends and goes to bed early at night, leaving me to nurse the baby all the livelong night; be engaged with my kids in the time that I’m watching them, even when I’m not engaged; provide clean clothes and clean cloth diapers and food-that-is-not-Wendy’s-fries for my children, for myself; and somehow write research papers on areas of law about which I know nothing without doing any research at all because I don’t have time for it. It turns out I am capable of bouncing the baby’s chair with my left foot, coloring pictures with my toddler with my right hand, and reading law research out of the corner of my eye while I try to fool my child into thinking this is Quality Time. I am capable, but I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t have to do this, and I spend most of my days lately angry at how much is being required of me. Most 2Ls with kids (and most 2Ls, of course, do not have kids, but that was my choice) – anyway, they have, at least, full time child care during the week, if not some weekend time to get caught up on things. I have two afternoons.
It’s too much, it’s too much, and I’m doing it and I wonder if maybe I put my foot down and STOP doing it, somehow I can prove that it’s too much. But instead, I do it because I have to, and then my argument that this is more than I can handle becomes less convincing. I would like law school so much better if I just had breakfast to dinner, Monday to Friday, without the kids. I’d probably even pick them up at lunchtime on Fridays, just to be with them more, because I could, because I love them, because they are fun to be with. Right now, though, every time I’m with them, I count how many days I have left until my research papers are due. How many hours are passing that I need to be writing. How low my GPA will plummet after this term, if I can’t figure this out.
I’m thinking of calling my mother, but that’s not a long term solution. But there is no child care in this city – I read, actually, that this is because of Katrina, that all the daycare providers upped stakes and left town and there has been a serious shortage since then, that people are hiring illegal aliens to watch their kids because there’s nothing else here. A weekly nanny is too expensive. A housekeeper is too expensive. Buying prepared meals is too expensive. Having someone else wash our damn dog is too expensive*. I have to do it all, myself, and keep my grades up, if I have any hope of us both getting work when this lark is over, and it’s awful, it’s awful, it’s awful. I’ve never so desperately hoped for time to fly by as now. I want it to be December, the PhD to be finished, my child to be a little older and sleeping better, a fresh semester, a fresh opportunity, more time for my work.
I also want a million dollars.
Please somebody make that happen, ok?
*In fairness, I must note that the husband washes the dog, and in general manages the animals. They would be starving, thirsty, dirty, and unwalked if it were up to me, because they are the very bottom of the barrel in terms of priority for this girl.
This is why I play the lottery every week with another friend. It only costs us $1 each per week and we’ve agreed to split it. It’s not the best long term plan, but it does give me a little smile just before I check the numbers. I’m amazed at how much you’re doing! I hope the childcare solution works itself out and you get a little break.
Hugs to you. I don’t know how you’re doing it all, I really don’t – is there any way you can get extensions on papers or drop a class or two until your husband’s done with his dissertation?
Even without kids, the 2L year was the hardest I worked – the one year I never wanted to do again. (But my best year, grade-wise.) And hey, I’m with Izzy on the lottery! It’s more likely than my getting a decent job with my sabbatical’s over.
Rant all you want because this is a lot of f-ing work to do all by yourself. I have no advice, but I don’t think you were looking for some anyway. I have lots of sympathy though and hopefully you’ll make it through in one piece to December!
i love you! you are under so much stress and responsibility right now. you deserve to rant and cuss and spit and do whatever necessary to help yourself through it. hugs to you, my sweet, sweet friend.