Tonight I dressed up some Top Ramen with mixed vegetables and the indulgence of some frozen shrimp. I had a big salad to go with it, chunks of cheese and raw mushroom. I ate at 9 pm, after I’d put the kid to bed and tidied the house to its ridiculous state of cleanliness. Always "show ready," until the offer we received yesterday (5 days after it listed) is hammered out. I usually handwash my dishes when Patrick is gone. Virgil waits for him by the front door every night.
Two weeks in Brazil this time, and yes I heard about the flight from Rio that was lost, and no let’s not talk about it until my husband is home. I try to hold Jack still in front of the webcam, but he is not a hold still kinda kid, so his dad sees the sweep of his arm through space, the blur of his sturdy cowlick. We practiced walking today. I made Sun Tea. I write down things like this to tell Patrick on a list. I left the notebook at work.
Virgil paces, waiting, for – ? I watch a movie and sort through items, purging, always purging. Sometimes I fear that if we leave this small house, we will be overrun with Stuff. The pressure of my closet-less home is all that keeps me from being buried.
New Orleans is a glimmering, frightening mirror across the room. I don’t want to look, but I have to. It’s coming. Who will I see when I look at myself in our new home? A law student. A weary mother and wife. But weary in a good way, and not in this grinding, joyless, toil kind of way. The bruised color under my eyes will look more appealing to me, I feel. I’m hoping I will lose some of the age that the past couple of years have scratched into my face.
Virge and Jack, my boys, my companions, until my life companion returns. A friend finds out this week if his second child will be another boy, or not. I dream of the now put-off day when I will have another boy screaming through my hallway (I dream, literal dreams, that it is only boys for me, three of them, mischievous and tumbling.) I know that I will thrive in law school, and wonder if law practice will be the same. Am I the only one who stumbles through life?