Blarrrggghhh

Arrghh, matey, it be talk/blog like a pirate day, arrrrgghhh.

 

Many of ye may question me affinity to men of the high seas, and ye would be right teh question.  Here on this, the finest day of the year by gar, I’ll share wi’ ye mah story.

 

Once upon a time, many a year gone now, before me piratin’ days, I were a teacher.  A finer teacher ye never did see, gar, an’ me job weren’t in no classroom, neither.  I taught me charges in the great outdoors, with classes on many hard skills that proved useful to me piratin’ – like tyin’ of knots, and usin’ a compass, and disposin’ of me food waste in a sustainable way, arggg.  I was also captain of a fleet of two-man ships, better known as canoes, me lads, them things what you paddle to move.

 

Me charges were kiddoes of an early age, and lads and lasses both in me fleet.  Lads and lasses sometimes both in one canoe, and ahoy but ye can guess how they got along.  Not at all, I think ye’ll find, and it were tricky to captain ’em, what with the bickering and, ahoy me pounding head, the whining one t’the other.  Many’s the time I wanted to make ’em all walk the plank, with me gun in their backs, but arrrgh, the kiddoes had parents, to be sure, parents wi’ bigger pistols and sharper swords than I had, so suffer I did on our trips looting and pillaging up and down the Great Miami River.  (The Great Miami River be in Ohio, by the by, not the one in pirate heaven – I mean, down by the Florida Keys, ahoy.)

 

So on our many long pillaging trips, when the bickering got to me head, I used to yell at me charges, scream at ’em, and get ’em all a-flustered and angry, and it weren’t doin’ nobody no good nohow.  Then me first mate, a fella by the name of Reid, he taught me a couple a’ pirate jokes, and told me to use them things to defuse the situation.  And by gar, it worked a charm!  A lad be yellin’ at a lass to Shut Up and Just Stop Paddling and other such ornery nonsense, and the lass be yellin’ back You Shut Up, and hittin’ the lad between the eyes wi’ her paddle – all I had to do was shout out "What is a pirate’s favorite place to eat?"  And the lad and the lass stop wi’ their bickerin’ and look at me wi’ suspicion in their pre-adolescent (gar!) eyes and say "What."  "Aaaaarrrrby’s" be my reply, and the lad and the lass be rolling their pre-adolescent (gar!) eyes at me, and laughing a pitying laugh, and meanwhile they stop wi’ their bickerin’.  My head stop wi’ the poundin’, and they got on wi’ their paddlin’, and me dreams of making them walk the plank retreat from the fore of me brain, avast.

 

So I began collectin’ as many of me jokes as I could get me ears on, so as to have more ammunition at me fingertips.  And thus, was me pirate obsession born.

 

So.  Thar you have it, mateys.  Enjoy yer day bein’ a pirate, and enjoy yer weekend too, arrrrggghh!

 

P.S. I Drink Your Milkshake to return next week!  Arrgh!