A Day in the Life of a Pirate Onesie

 

Arrgh, matey, and hullo.  I be the Pirate Onesie, and the hardest workin’ piece a’ sailcloth in the babe’s chest a’ drawers.  Just when me thinks I be gettin’ a rest after a hard day’s graft, well matey, I’ve no sooner nestled down deep for a bit a’ dreamin’, but up I comes again, and gets strapped to the babe to put in another long day a’ work while the rest of me mates – the Long Sleeved Shirt with Trucks, the Fish Onesie, the Green Striped Footie Pajamas – them’s an’ more rolls over and takes another day off.  Me rapin’ and pillagin’ days are over, avast, and I be happy to just do me job and wait out me days til retirement, so I don’t cause no ruckus, but arrrgh if I don’t be carryin’ more than my share a’ the load.

 

I’m here to tell ya, matey, bein’ a newborn onesie ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, even when ye’ve got the Pirate Mojo on yer side.  Oh, yeah, ya comes out a’ the box all fresh an’ new, an’ the people, they make oohs and ahs at ya, and calls ya words like "cute" and "darlin’."  It ain’t the best day in a pirate’s life to be referred to as "cute" by any stretch of the bloodthirsty imagination, but I’d take that day to this if you’d have me be tradin’.  On this day, fer example, I gets pulled out a’ me drawer an’ held up to the baby, to sees if I fits an’ all.  I hear the tall one say – well, it’s still a tiny bit big, so we can still get lots of use out of it! – an’ pop, down I go over the babe’s head.  The mornin’ goes well – I covers the belly, gets referred to as "cute" again (shiver me timbers, how I hates that word), keep me snaps snapped an’ me cloth untwisted, an’ generally do an excellent job, if I say so meself.  We takes a long walk, the tall ones, the babe, an’ me, and end up at the clinic.  Checkin’ the babe fer scurvy an’ ricketts, no doubt, an’ that always means that I gets to take me break midday while the babe gets his checks an’ pokes an’ suchlike.  So far it’s shapin’ up to be one a’ me best days on the job, arrrgh, and I be just fine when they pops me back on again.  An’ then – the babe makes mess out of his drawers, arrgh.  Some days this be the end of me shift, but this day he kept his mess in his britches, so I be kept on duty.  While he be fussin’ and gettin’ his britches changed, well he gets hisself so upset, he spits up all over me neckline.

 

An’ this, me scallywags and scumbags, this is the beginning of the end of me dignity.  Once he be put back together, the babe spits up again, this time gettin’ me left arrrrrrm sleeve, arrrrgh.  An’ when we’ve made our journey home, the tall one pulls out a dropper full of orrrrrange medicine, and I know me days as a pristine Pirate Onesie are numbered.  Avast, ye got ta cure the child of scurvy, no doubt, but takes me off before ya do it, would ya!  Instead, the tall one fills the babe’s mouth with orange, an’ out comes orange all over me top, and ye can’t even read me "arrgh" anymore, where it was writ there on the cloth.  Now it says "arr-" and the rest is orange stain, shiver me timbers.  And then the babe feeds, an’ on top of the orange stain is milk stain, an’ the tall one uses me right arrrrrrm sleeve to daub it off the babe’s face, so now both me sleeves is gooey.  An’ then he spits up again, an’ I begin to pray for the end of me shift.  The final humiliation is when he wets his drawers and soaks me bottom, and now I be a full stain from head to bum, with nary a clean spot in sight.  And off the babe’s head comes me, an’ tossed willy nilly in the hamper, an’ me not enjoyin’ my rest seein’ as I’m covered in goo, arrrgh, and knowin’ that as soon as I be washed an’ fresh again, back on the job I’ll be, with me mates snickerin’ at me fate from deep in the drawers where they rest, day after long day.

 

So let that be a lesson to ya – if ya live yer life pillagin’ and rapin’ and in general makin’ havoc, then don’t be surprised if ya comes back and pays yer penance by bein’ the burp rag for a newborn babe.  If ya are, so help  ya lad, I wish ye a better fate than mine, arrrrgh.

 

Signed,

The Pirate Onesie