Indulge me. I promise, only once weekly pregnancy complaint blogs from here on out. Since today was a doctors appointment and I got some mucho-uncomfortable poking and prodding in my delicate parts, and I also slept NOT AT ALL last night, and I’m here at work with a kazillion things to do, I think today is the pregnancy complaint blog of this week. Tomorrow I will pretend cheer a little better.
What Not to Say to a 9-Months Pregnant Woman:
1 – Better get lots of sleep now, because you won’t sleep again for 20 years! <maniacal cackle>
WHY NOT TO SAY THIS: People who say this are always parents. Parents should know that a woman in her ninth month is unable to sleep. In her thusly sleep-deprived state, she is already prone to irritability and despair. Reminding her that this will be the state of affairs from now forward DOES NOT HELP AND MAY BE DANGEROUS. FOR YOU.
2 – You look tired.
WHY NOT TO SAY THIS: She may be tired, but she still got up in the morning, took a shower, dried her hair, spent twenty minutes trying to wrestle her now-distant and unseen legs into a pair of pants, applied some semblance of makeup, and made an effort to pretend she was well-rested and fully functioning. If you insist on daily informing her that these efforts are wasted, she will quit bothering with them, and you will have a smelly, unwashed, unattractive pregnant woman with rat’s nest hair on your hands. And possibly one who foregoes wearing pants. Believe me, each morning as I try to hook my foot (which appears now to be on the end of a six-foot-long leg) into the correct leg hole of my pants du jour I am sorely tempted to give up and go sit on the couch with a beer.
3 – Are you ready for everything in your life to change FOR ALL TIME?? <maniacal cackle>
WHY NOT TO SAY THIS: Some people say this kindly, with a wistful sigh, and you know that they are remembering the magical, exhausting time when they had their first child, and it’s sweet. Some people say this with evil glee, intimating that life after children sucks big time, and boy are you going to be sorry, and for the sake of their maligned children and also pregnant women everywhere it would be marvelously satisfying to locate a can of EZ Cheeze, shove it up their nose, and hit the spray button.
4 – (from coworkers) Are you still here? Why don’t you take some time off before the baby comes?
WHY NOT TO SAY THIS: Unless you are offering to donate your salary to her bill-paying while she’s out, don’t rub her nose in the fact that she lives in the only damn country in the whole world that thinks six lousy weeks is plenty of time to take off for the passing of an 8 pound human through your hoo-ha. Bonus points for being especially irritating if you are from another country and decide to let her know all of the wonderful paid leave you/your wife was granted when she had her baby.
5 – (also from coworkers) You should be taking a nap every afternoon.
WHY NOT TO SAY THIS: Is she not at work every afternoon? When and where should this nap occur (esp. if her home is an hour’s drive away)? Will you do her afternoon work for her? While we’re at it, will you hold up her uterus for her while she naps so that actual REM sleep will occur?
6 – You are so big, you are gonna have that baby tomorrow.
WHY NOT TO SAY THIS: Depending on her mood, this is either (a) terrifying (I am NOT READY TO HAVE A BABY TOMORROW), (b) cruelly tempting (OH DEAR GOD IF ONLY THIS COULD BE OVER TOMORROW), (c) insulting (WHAT, ARE YOU SAYING I’M HUGE?), or (d) all of the above. Everybody says this all the time. I think that a woman this far along is just so comically, unbelievably large, it’s hard to look at her without thinking that she couldn’t possibly sustain that ridiculous proportion for much longer. Believe me – we nine months’ pregnant women agree, but that doesn’t stop over half of first time moms from going 1-2 weeks over her due date, despairing with each passing day.
6 – You look like an Easter Egg!
WHY NOT TO SAY THIS: She is allowed to refer to herself as a watermelon, a huge whale, a gigantic blob, etc. You are not. Even if you think it sounds cute.
Alternative Things to Say to a 9-Months Pregnant Woman
1 – You are a pretty pregnant.
One of our sales guys told me this, and I beamed for hours. Salesmen. They know how to work it.
2 – Let me get that for you.
OK.
3 – I ordered a salad/sandwich/pizza for lunch and it’s way too big, would you like a bit of it?
The moms at work do this to me almost daily. It’s wonderful. I have Lean Cuisines in the fridge, but at this point even a Lean Cuisine is a bit too big to eat in one sitting, so nibbling on the corners of their tasty takeout meals is just about the perfect lunch. And they always make it healthy. I think they order "too much" on purpose, and it’s very sweet. Makes up for telling me to take a nap.
4 – Pregnant women are so tough.
Yes. Praise me. Tell me I’m tough. I feel edgy and fragile and am incapable of talking from a seated position for five minutes without getting out of breath. Fool me into thinking I can actually continue to live like this for the next four-five-six weeks without wilting like the delicate flower I am.
5 – Ignore the pregnancy altogether in our conversations.
It’s hard for me to do this, but important that I spend a good portion of my day and time thinking about something other than pregnancy or I will go mad as the clock ticks louder and louder and the backaches begin earlier and earlier in the day. It really helps when you talk to me like you did before I was pregnant – like I have a purpose beyond incubation. I know I do. You know I do. It’s hard for us to remember I do when I look like this, but let’s both make the effort, in the interest of my mental health.
6 – That is going to be one beautiful child.
Yes. Praise my baby and me simultaneously (and my husband, which is also praising me for my taste.) I’ll take it.
Thank you, this PSA has been provided by your local neighborhood nine months pregnant woman, whose husband just returned from a long trip away last Friday and has left again for a short trip away today and this makes her want to cry a little bit but instead she’s going to repeat #4 (Pregnant women are so tough, Pregnant women are so tough) and soldier on through the next few weeks and possibly (no, probably) will get a delightful little son out of it all.
the mere fact that you can compose this post with as much humor as you did shows you that you really ARE a tough, beautiful pregnant woman.
Do people want to pat/rub your belly? I\’ve heard that really pisses off pregnant women!!
For some reason the last month with Zach my husband\’s family all told me you don\’t look like you are nine months pregnant. I didn\’t really take that well either. Yes, you are beautiful tough and I am sure that baby will be really cute. We expect a ton of pictures you know. ; ) I participated in a blog blast about the best mommy advice, although I am wondering if it is appropriate for a nine month pregnant woman.
Oh, SO true. Do you know… my absentminded chiropractor actually
said to me yesterday , "So, what… you\’re 7&1/2, 8 months
pregnant?" I\’m 6 months pregnant. Then, he was all., "Are you
positive you\’re not having twins?" I kid you not.
You really are a soldier. I can\’t imagine not having my man to beat on everyday of the 9-month journey.
i loved this…very sorry that you are having rought times…i guess i know what to expect…i can only imagine how hard putting on pants can be…i know that lately i have had problems putting on socks…
*~* :o) a smile is a universal welcome… :o) *~*
Congratulations fellow preggo! And thank you for your comment.
LOL I\’ve heard so many of these… I think my favorite is (usually followed by a litany of complaints): \’It\’ll all be worth it in the end… the minute you hold the baby you\’ll forget about all the pain and suffering.\’