Virgil's Morning Routine

6:25 am

 

BONG BONG BONG BONG

BONG BONG BO-

 

Yawn.  Lick paws.  Streeetch corgi legs.  Chin on paws.  Wait exactly nine minutes.

 

BONG BONG BONG BONG

BONG BONG BO-

 

Perk up head.  Ears tall.  Check out lump in bed.  Still a lump.  Head back down.  Chin on paws.  Wait exactly nine minutes.

 

BONG BONG BONG BONG

BONG BONG BO-

 

Perk up head.  Ears tall.  Check out lump in bed.  Still a lump.  Not good.  Too many BONG BONGs.  Lick paws.  Streeeeeetch corgi legs.  Shake head.  Trot to bedside.  Jump up, put paws on bed, poke Mom with nose.  Poke.  Lick.  Poke poke.  Too many BONGs.  Time to get up Mom.  Poke.

 

Hmmmm.  Will have to use voice.  GRRROOOF.  GRRRRRRRRRRR.  WOOF.  Now one eye open.  Hi Mom.

 

“BoiTHERIOG WENOIWQng” says Mom, in the sweet voice.  Two eyes open.  Mmmmmm, I love scratches on my head.  Yes.  Scratch my head, Mom, feels good.  “BOINTgnoweghoer2035ulskdwtoinIONT?”  Mom doesn’t make any sense sometimes.  Yaaawn.  Streeeeetch.  Jingle neck thing goes on, thanks Mom.  Mom opens the doo-

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!  CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  CHAAAAAAAAASE!

 

Phew.  Cat on the FLOOR.  Cat not allowed on the floor.  Sheesh, how long has she lived here, she knows the rules.

 

Hey.  Where’s Mom?  OHMYGOD WHERE DID MOM GO?  In this room?  In this room?  In this room?  In this roo-.  Oh, there she is.  She is going into the wet place.  Behind the curtain, where I can’t see her.  “GOINEOBNNE395dgs, Virgil!”  Virgil.  That’s me.  Mom said me.  She loves me.  I will wait here on this soft mat until she comes out.

 

Hmmm.  Soft mat.  It is very soft.  Soft on my paws.  Soft on my belly.  Soft on my tongue, soft on my teeth.  Mmmmmmm, tastes pretty good.  Shred mat.  Make a pile.  Shred, shred, shred the mat, shred, shred, shred the ma-

“VIRGIL!!!”

 

Hide under bed.  What did I do?  Hide for a while.  Maybe she’ll forget.  Don’t get the spray thing and make me wet.  Please don’t, Mom.

 

CAT ON THE FLOOR.  CHAAAAAAASE!!!  Out from under the bed, Mom legs in the way, must go through them!  MUST CHASE THE CAT, CHAAAAAASE!  Cat under the chair.  Phew.  God, what would Mom do without me to enforce the rules?

 

Sniff.  Sniff sniff.  Hmmm, I think I smell something tasty.  Trot back to Mom.  AAAAKKK!!!  SHE’S PUTTING FROSTING* on her legs!!  I love the frosting!  The frosting tastes so good!  Lick the frosting, lick lick lick lick lick lick – stop pushing me away Mom – lick lick lick lick lick.  Mom walks, I follow – lick lick lick.  Must.  Get.  Frosting.  Now.  Lick Lick LICK LICK LICK – gaaak.  Mom dressed.  Frosting gone.

 

“GoiengewoOEINETOUH40259LKGN bone?”  Mom said bone.  I’d better get my bone.  Mom said bone, she wants me to get my bone, better go get my bone, better go, better get it, get my – what?  What was I getting?  I was getting something.  SQUEAK TOY!  That’s it!  I was getting SQUEAK TOY, Mom wants me to get my Squeak Toy.  Here Mom, here’s my Squeak Toy.  Here it is!  Here!  Right here!  Let me just, maybe drop right in front of your fee – no?  You didn’t see it, Mom, you stepped right over it, look.  Look, it’s the squeak toy, see it?  See, I drop it in front of you again!  Mom!  How can you not be seeing this?  Look, what if I hit you with it.  Here we go, I’ll bonk you in the shins with it, then you’ll notice that what I have here is a Squeak Toy.  Squeak.  Squeak.  See it?  Don’t you see it?  Doncha?  Doncha?  Doncha?  Doncha?

 

“BoarewtoBGE2359NSDitl cookie?”  Do I want a cookie????? DO I EVER!!!!!!  What do you want me to do, what what, should I sit?  Should I sit here?  How about here?  Or – you want – what??!?!  AAKK!?  Whatever you want I’ll do it, I’ll do it, just tell me what you want, oh god cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie.  “WeeoigeET#405 cookie #(%SoweitSHERO doghouse.”  Outside, go outside and then inside the warm place where I sleep all day, mmmmm cooookkkkiiiieeeeeeeee.

 

Wait.   Mom is – leaving!!!  Cool, we’re going somewhere!  Where we goin Mom?  I’m right behind you, yup, I’m ready, I’ll even go in the car, whatever, I’m up for anything, maybe we could go to the park, or check out the babes across the street, whatever you’re in the mood for, I am just there with ya, Mom, I’m there, whatever, just you and me, heading out into the world, me and you, yup, us two.

 

Going back in the yard?  That’s what you wanna do?  Well ok, if you think that’s a fun kinda place, I guess I’m down with it.  Maybe we could – throw a couple horseshoes?  What do you think?  Maybe check out behind the shed a little later?

 

GASP.  She left.  Mom left.  She left me in here.  She left.  She got in the car and now she’s gone.  OH NO.  Mom is GONE!  Oh God, I’m so SAD.  Sad, I’m just really . . . ooooh, squirrel poo.  Now THAT is a treat.  Yum.

 

*Humans – FROSTING is unscented lotion, and my dog is going to keel over from lotion poisoning one of these days.