For Sale

I’m thinking of running the following ad on craig’s list:

 

For Sale

 

One (1) 8 month old puppy.  Enthusiastic pal.  Somewhat stubborn.   Will keep you awake all night by means of violent pokes with his nose, timed strategically so that you never fall into a deep REM sleep.    Good for night watchmen!

 

One (1) 2 year old cat.  Lazy.  Sheds often.  Will reliably get your attention once an hour by knocking items off the countertop and onto the floor, through the day and night (in a neverending campaign for treats.)  Excellent for those who suffer narcolepsy!

 

One (1) 8 month old fetus.  Energetic.  Very strong limbs.  Responds with gusto to loud music and any external pressure ranging upwards of 0.0000010537 psi.  Likes pizza.  A fantastic quirky character to add to your wacky team of martial artists!  Or carry him around with you for a handy portable bodyguard!

 

One (1) large potted plant.  Kept carefully trimmed and shaped by a skilled feline gardener.  Be the envy of all your friends with this plant’s unique looking foliage!

 

One (1) HR Manager job.  For a limited time only, this comes free with any purchase!

 

One (1) 29 year old, 177.5 pound pregnant woman.  Slow moving.  Perpetually grumpy.  Demands frequent back rubs.  The next ten callers who purchase this item will also get the 8 month old fetus as a bonus gift!  Buy one for you and one for all your friends!