I’ve been getting anxious as hell lately, ya’ll. I have so much to do, both for work and the baby, and I have a deadline, and it’s not even a real firm deadline because heaven knows when I’m going to go into labor, and as much as I want him to come out healthy and full term and even maybe a wee bit late so mommy and daddy can take their mid-June vacation while still on 6 week maternity leave – well, I also want him to come out, uh, NOW, because the throwing up and the bloody noses and the leg cramps and the serious back pain and the no sleeping and the general irritability are gettin’ on my nerves and I’d like them to disappear. Luckily, the choice between my comfort and his health is not one I get to make, so that doesn’t keep me up nights.
What does is the fact that I have a crib, but no mattress. A car seat, but no cloth diapers. An Exersaucer (a toy he won’t be able to use until he’s 4 months old), but no stroller, announcements, bottles, breast pump, etc. Also, I have to plan the company picnic, choose a computer program to track training and then load 3 years’ worth of training docs into it and then train all my management staff in how to use it, do a first quarter budget analysis, create an Access database to track Affirmative Action data and then load all historical data from January 31, 2007 to now, apply for a huge grant, choose a new benefits package and get all of my employees enrolled, and also finish training my assistant to do my day-to-day stuff, and get all of this done before I leave. (And that’s just the big stuff.) And I also have to keep the house from falling apart, the dog from going out of his mind with boredom, the cat from pooping in a sea of her own waste, get the car fixed, get the animals to the vet to be sure they’re all set pre-baby, find the smelly thing in my fridge and dispose of it before the odor knocks me out, unclog the clogged up toilet, and do various other taking-care-of-the-house things. I’m gone on average about 12 hours a day, and I have to sleep at least 8, and it takes me at least 1 to get ready in the morning, so that leaves me with 3 hours each day to make and eat dinner, take care of the house, do needed projects, and watch at least one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer so I can get through the series before my husband comes home.
See? See how I can even get anxious about finishing a T.V. series??
This is all new parent jitters + lack of good sleep + guilt over writing blogs and searching baby registries instead of working at work. But it’s got me so on edge, I can barely cope with normal life at the moment. If the cat chucks litter in the hallway, I nearly break down in tears. The broom is right there. It takes a nanosecond to sweep the litter up. But it’s JUST . . . SO . . . HAARRRRDDD WAAAAAAHHHHHH, and I’ll sniffle and feel sorry for myself that I own a cat who poops in litter that sometimes spills over the edge of the box and I have to clean it up, boo hoo. Luckily, LUCKILY, I still have enough perspective that I can laugh at my own fragility. While one half of my brain is breaking down, the other half is saying – like, dude. Chill out. It’s just cat litter. Leave it if you can’t face the cleanup. So you’ll have crunchy feet? So what?
In order to cope with my anxiety, I have created a list of Items To Accomplish Pre-Labor. Two lists, actually – one for work and the other for personal stuff. Looking at the length of these lists has made me feel better. They are very manageable. And even if I add to them, which I will as I think of things, they still aren’t going to extend past one page of my quarter-legal-pad-sized notebook. I cling to my list. You can do this, I say. This is a Manageable List, I say. You are a Capable Woman, I say. Now go do some yoga and relax.
So, assorted readers, please do me a favor. I need to lighten up. I need to take it easy. I need some pirate jokes.
deep breath innnnnnnnn…and exhale slowwwwwly.trust me, everything will be fine. please try and learn to let stuff slide now (like the kitty litter) because you\’ll need to do that even more once jack arrives. the world won\’t come crashing down if your feet are crunchy. and though you may not feel like it, your place of employment will still be there when you return from maternity leave. really, it will. and i\’m sure you\’ll have plenty of time during night feedings to finish watching buffy. i promise.but, in order to get you through this rough day, i have some pirate jokes as you requested.how much did the pirate pay for his
peg-leg and hook? an arm and a legwhat\’s a pirate always looking for, even though it\’s right behind him?
his bootyand my personal fave:how much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? buckaneer
It\’s lengthy, but it\’s my favorite:Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and
his crew were always in danger of being boarded
by pirates from a pirate ship.
One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship
had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became
worried, but the Captain was calm.
He bellowed
to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly got the Captain\’s red shirt, which the
captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates.
Although there were some casualties
among the crew, the pirates were defeated.
Later that day, the lookout
screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding
parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm
as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle
was on!
The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties,
though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day\’s events when an ensign
looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt
before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can
give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle,
the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight
unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such
a man.
As dawn
came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of
them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked
to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, \’Bring me my brown
pants!!!\’
relax…that is what baby showers are for…all the stuff you don\’t have yet….
*~* :o) if you don’t have a smile to give today… :o) I will give you one of mine… :o) *~*
Ooh I remember the anxiety now. I feel for you. I\’ll tell you the story sometimes of my last months with my first to distract you. Then you have the kid and well… I does get better I PROMISE! But as you requested…..Why couldn\’t the pirate stop thinking about sailing? He had ship
for brains (Kinda like mommy brains eh?? Don\’t worry I resemble that comment.)
Thank you!!!!!!!!!! I am laughing like mad over here. Seriously.
As for the baby stuff – we are just waiting until our couple of showers are over to see what lovely pressies we get, and then we\’ll buy whatever\’s left that we need after that. But I feel so edgy knowing that I don\’t have this stuff and if I have him tomorrow then God Almighty WHAT WILL WE DO??? We may have to go SHOPPING with a NEWBORN and AUUUUGGGHHHH.