The Twelve Days of Christmas, Preggers

 

On the first day of Christmas my baby gave to me . . . a case of anxiety

On the second day of Christmas my baby gave to me . . . to-tal exhaustion

                                                                                                  and a case of anxiety

On the third day of Christmas my baby gave to me . . . three months of puking

                                                                                             to-tal exhaustion

                                                                                             and a case of anxiety

On the fourth day of Christmas my baby gave to me . . . blocked up digestion

                                                                                              three months of puking

                                                                                              to-tal exhaustion

                                                                                              and a case of anxiety

On the fifth day of Christmas my baby gave to me . . . EEEEEENORMOUS BOOOOOOOBS

                                                                                           lots and lots of farting

                                                                                           three months of blech

                                                                                           sleeping all the time

                                                                                           and a case of anxiety

On the sixth day of Christmas my baby gave to me . . . teenager acne

                                                                                             EEEEEEEENORMOUS BOOOOOOOOBS

                                                                                             Oh my God the bloat

                                                                                             I still can’t brush my teeth without gagging

                                                                                            7pm bedtime

                                                                                            and a case of anxiety

On the seventh day of Christmas my baby gave to me . . . non-alcoholic drinking

                                                                                                   teenager acne

                                                                                                   EEEEEEEENORMOUS BOOOOOOOOOBS

                                                                                                   blame it on the dog

                                                                                                   hurl hurl hurl

                                                                                                   sleeping on the job

                                                                                                   and a case of anxiety

On the eighth day of Christmas my baby gave to me . . . decorative stretch marks

                                                                                                wine, I miss my wine!

                                                                                                what’s with all the pimples

                                                                                               EEEEEEENORMOUS BOOOOOOOOBS

                                                                                                lots of stinky farts

                                                                                                “morning” sickness my hemmorhoidal ass

                                                                                                snoozy snoozy snooze

                                                                                                and a case of anxiety

On the ninth day of Christmas my baby gave to me . . . cellulite down to my knees

                                                                                              lovely pretty stretch marks

                                                                                              can I taste your margarita?

                                                                                              what, they’re on my SHOULDERS now??

                                                                                              EEEEEEEENORMOUS BOOOOOOOOBS

                                                                                             oh the indigestion

                                                                                             at least the puking’s over

                                                                                             I can’t make it through a movie

                                                                                              and a case of anxiety

On the tenth day of Christmas my baby gave to me . . . thick lustrous hair

                                                                                             blobby thunder thighs

                                                                                             pink and purple stretch marks

                                                                                             I’ll have an O’Doul’s please

                                                                                             pass me the Clearsil (oh wait, I can’t use it)

                                                                                             EEEEEEEENORMOUS BOOOOOOOOOBS

                                                                                             musical intestines

                                                                                             OK I still puke sometimes

                                                                                             <yaaaaawwwwn> 

                                                                                             and a case of anxiety

On the eleventh day of Christmas my baby gave to me . . . pregnancy nightmares

                                                                                                    lustrous = greasy

                                                                                                   God my thighs are huge

                                                                                                    I even get stretch marks up THERE?

                                                                                                    Yes, I’ll be DD

                                                                                                     I don’t care, I’m popping it

                                                                                                    EEEEEEEENORMOUS BOOOOOOOBS

                                                                                                    you smelt it you dealt it

                                                                                                   coffee makes me gag

                                                                                                   ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

                                                                                                    and a case of anxiety.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my baby gave to me . . . an overactive bladder

                                                                                                OK so I had the baby only it was a monkey and she was

                                                                                                                    holding my high school

                                                                                                                    drama trophy and my first grade

                                                                                                                    Sunday school teacher was

                                                                                                                    KISSING my dad

                                                                                                I look like I O.D.ed on hair gel

                                                                                                they don’t even fit in normal pants

                                                                                                cocoa butter does NOTHING for these things

                                                                                                I CAN’T WAIT TO HAVE A BEER

                                                                                                blackheads whiteheads no heads

                                                                                                EEEEEENORMOUS BOOOOOBS

                                                                                                maybe we should open a window

                                                                                                clear the way to the toilet!

                                                                                                 ZZZZZZZZZZsnrgkZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

                                                                                                 and a CAAAAASE OF AN-XIIIII-EEEEE-TYYYYYYYYY