My head is spinning round and round.
I’m so busy.
I’m so poor.
I want to go on a shopping spree and buy some NEW CLOTHES and maybe some NON-SCUFFED NON-STINKY NEW SHOES and perhaps some FRESH FRUITS AND VEGETABLES since we’ve been sticking with canned lately to cut down on the grocery bill and perhaps a NEW SPORTS BRA since my old ones are roughly a decade old and have lost most of their stretchiness and are not doing their job AND LET’S FACE IT, IT AIN’T THAT HARD TO CONTAIN THESE B-CUPS.
To alleviate the angst of my inner spoiled brat who is SICK TO DEATH of being responsible with money today (can I stop with the 401K payments? And the aggressive debt repayment? And the health insurance premiums? And take that nice bundle of responsibly spent cash and go out and blow it on WHATEVER I PUT MY HANDS ON at the mall?? No? Piss.) – to trick the unfulfilled consumer-devil-on-my-shoulder I have gone shopping three times this week for work. Haha. Dropping a hundred bucks at Wal Mart is OK when I can put it on a expense report! Throw some extra crap in there I don’t need!! Yes! Let’s get some glitter paint pens! I might need those to make signs in HR! What about jelly beans?? I could put some jelly beans in a bowl on my desk – that’s a good HR expense! Great! Chuck ’em in the cart!
Phew. Now I feel better.
Seriously, I’m just grumpy because we are both working so hard and it seems like there is just NO LETUP with the bills. There is no treating myself for a rough week (month!) at work, there is just heating up beanies and weenies for dinner on Friday night. And this is our chosen life, it was absolutely my choice to not get a "real" job with a "real" paycheck until I was 24, so I could spend the early part of my twenties traveling the world and studying and rejecting consumerism and blah blah blah. My husband made the same choice, which is why we are married to each other, because we value the same things, because when it comes to the big stuff we pick the same priorities. Only sometimes I get weak and want all that stuff that I WILLINGLY DECIDED TO GIVE UP years ago, that I sacrificed so I could follow my itchy feet around Australia and England and other more exotic places. And I would do it all again, the same thing, the same choices, but that doesn’t make me feel any less sour today about all the abovementioned items that I wish I had.
My problems are small, but this week when I’m into my 40th hour of work and it’s only Wednesday, and I can’t sleep much because I’m so keyed up about work stuff that’s going on, and one of my 3 ratty sports bras ripped in my hands when I pulled it over my head – I just want to park it on the street and say FORGET IT. I QUIT BEING GOOD TODAY. I AM THE RELUCTANT GROWNUP, AND TODAY I AM LIVING UP TO MY NAME.
Working stinks! Debt repayment stinks! Budgets and responsibility stink! Stinky-sports-bra-disintegration stinks! Everything stinks!
Except that in ___ years, when you\’re finally, totally done paying off loans/cc bills/mortgages, it will have been worth the stink. And it will happen for you. So be reluctant and grumpy all you want … in the end, the grownup will–and should–win. You\’re my heroine.
your experiences over seas are priceless (although i\’m sure they carry a hefty price tag). instead of getting depressed about paying those bills every month, put a positive spin on it. each time you write a check for a bill, remember the marvelous excursions you took years ago and smile. certainly your travels and characters met along the way are worth a few more friday night beenie weenies.