Setup: At a bar. There’s Me, there’s She, and there’s He. He and She are engaged. He and I are talking alone for five minutes at the bar. She comes up to us from the table where She and His family are sitting.
SHE: Hi there!
Who the hell is this?
ME: Hello.
Hmmm. Is that a VIBE I’m getting? Can’t say I blame her. I’ll flash her the ring, put her at ease. Flash, flash.
SHE: So what are you two talking about?
I think I SAID who the hell is this??
HE: Oh, sweetie, this is RG. Her sister just went to her car for a costume piece while the 3 of us were discussing the show we’re acting in together <a little exposition for you, dear reader>, and I didn’t want to leave RG alone at the bar.
No need to be mad honey. Totally innocent. To.ta.lly. in.no.cent.
SHE: Oh. Hi RG.
I don’t think I believe you.
ME: Hey. You know, your man is quite an actor, I’ve been really impressed with the show.
Flash flash, urgently flash. Maybe I’ll just scratch my face with my left hand, suddenly develop an itchy nose. Just call some attention, there we go, what good is this thing if you can’t ward off predatory single men and sharp-clawed jealous girlfriends?
SHE: Yes, I know. I’ve been watching him act for years, isn’t he a dream.
Just a little reminder of the HISTORY we have, girly. A LOOOONNNGGG history, years in the making.
ME: Sure is, sure is. So it’s great you could come down from New York to see him!
I don’t want to sleep with your boyfriend.
HE: Sweetie, what are you drinking? Martini, you want another martini?
Let’s get you a little drunker.
SHE: Yes, martini extra dry with two olives. You know how I like it.
History. Together.
ME: So how was your trip down? From New York?
I get it. You have history. You live together in New York, see how I acknowledge that you live together in New York??
SHE: Oh, pretty good. You know I haven’t slept since I got here, though. We haven’t seen each other since the New Year so there was lots of – catching up – to do.
We have lots of sex.
ME: Oh.
??? Response? What is my response??
HE: Martini, just how you like it. So how’s Dad doing, back there at the table?
Don’t you want to pleeeease go check on Dad?
SHE: Oh, just like he always is. (HISTORY). You know Gillian, my fiancé has never dated a girl that stood up to his dad as much as I do. Well, I’m just a strong-natured person. I was rappelling down a cliff when I was 12 years old. I’m tough, so his dad doesn’t scare me. Like I said, rappelling . . . down a cliff . . . at age 12. What can I say?
Beat that.
ME: Wow.
Baby, I used to be an outdoor adventure trips leader. You can’t impress me. I used to – no, I won’t compete. I don’t even WANT this man!!
SHE: Well, just this morning he came into our room, without knocking you know, and I know it was 6 in the morning but we were up all night, and we’re lying there in the bed, and we’re TOTALLY naked, and his dad just walks in. And we’re, you know, busy, so I just stood up to him right there, and I told him he needed to knock from now on.
Like I said. Lots. Of. Sex.
ME: Oh, uh. Wow.
You had me at “I haven’t slept since I got here.”
HE: Heh heh.
Sex is awesome.
SHE: So yeah, I’m pretty tired. I’m surprised this martini isn’t going straight to my head.
I can handle my drink, too. Just so you know, in case it ever came down to it. You know, like a competition? I’d beat your @$$.
ME: I’m tired, too. I’ve been rehearsing a lot lately – my husband and cat barely recognize me, and my little house is a mess.
Broadcast: **** Married****Domestic****Cat-owner****Boring**** Fiddle with ring. Poke her in the eye with ring. Why isn’t this damn ring working?
SHE: Oh, looks like your sister’s back. Well, I was on my way to the ladies’, I guess I’ll just keep heading that way.
Now, to prove I am secure and self-confident, I’m going to leave.
ME: Nice to meet you.
Freak.
HE: I’ll be back at the table in a second, sweetie.
Don’t come back this way.
SISTER: <Unaware of the nearby Fury, who hasn’t made it to the ladies’ yet> So here’s what I wear in the play when I’m a prostitute. Is this skirt short enough?
SHE (turning on her heel and extending a clawed hand and strained smile): Hi there!
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To be fair to SHE, her HE is notorious for womanizing. Their marriage is a cliff she is welcome to rappel down, but if she isn’t cool with an “open” marriage, she may not want to strap on that harness. Eventually, she’s probably going to have to let go of the rope. Now that I’ve strained his metaphor to its limit, I’m going back to work.
Ok, I was with you on the lite editing until you made me sound like a whore on the computer by asking about my whore costume in a crowdy bar.
Funny, and awkward, glad you got out alive. ; )
Sorry, charlie. Had to end it somehow! You played a great whore, though, just like I did a year ago!
ROFLMAO! wow! "she" sounds like quite a piece of work. it sounds like she\’s dealt with this kind of situation a time or two. too funny!