How to Make Me Mad
Here is a list of some of the surest ways to make me mad, in no particular order:
1. Chew up my guitar case and all my picks, and make me worry about whether you ingested any plastic.
2. Put your paws inside each and every houseplant and dig out all the dirt, looking for acorns. Make sure to spread the dirt around in as wide a radius as possible. Track it on the white couch if you can.
3. Find said acorns and strew them all about the house. Bonus points if you bat them around the hardwood floor at about 3 in the morning, sounding like crabs skittering down the hallway.
4. Make pretty much any kind of noise at 3 in the morning, including (but not limited to) meowing through the bedroom door, reaching paws under the door and scrabbling on the inside, rolling your jingle bell rattle ball, or knocking over something big.
5. Steal food from my plate while I have turned away to get the ketchup from the fridge. Doubly effective if you knock over my drink while doing it.
6. Decide you want to be up high right this second, leap into the air, and latch onto my bare thigh with your claws. Look wounded when you are subsequently thrown to the ground, as if you have been denied some right.
7. Get completely tangled up in your string toy, and don’t even notice that you are strangling yourself, thereby making me worry about your ability to survive the workday without me.
Some ways to redeem yourself, should any of the above occur:
1. Chew up a roach and eat it before I have to really notice it’s there
2. Run full tilt at a wall in an attempt to catch the pull on the miniblinds and rebound off the wall about five feet. Do it three or four times in a row.
3. Pick fights with the furniture. Exhibit amusing stalking behavior, while on the trail of the highly unpredictable pink armchair.
4. Fall asleep on your back with your mouth open and your paw behind your head.
5. Run around a corner really fast on the hardwood floor and skid into the opposite wall.
6. Stop scratching at the couch immediately after I tell you "No."
7. Use the litter box every time, and don’t step in your doody and spread it around the carpet at least 83 % of the time.
8. Hide behind the flip up screen of my laptop while I write blogs and try to sneak attack my typing fingers.
I have been home for one hour – ONE HOUR – and all behavior on both lists has been exhibited by The Cat. She is running around wrapped up in string as I type, with the jingle bell ball in her mouth. I have let a devil into my home, and I only pray my furniture will make it through her kittenhood in one (mostly unscratched) piece. I’ve already given up on my skin and my sleep . . .
6 Comments
Frannie
LOL…I can so relate to this entry. I am a first time cat owner and it is so amazing how they can go from being a little hellian to such a cutie in a blink of an eye.I\’m sorry to read about the layoffs. That really does suck! Why is it that companies do this right before Christmas? I just don\’t get it. I wish there was something that I could say that would make this easier for you, but I\’m sure there isn\’t. But I do hope today is a good day for you and that you don\’t dwell on this all month.
Gillian
thanks frannie -somehow we\’ll make it through . . .I hate it for my people though – and I\’m talking to them all week and having pretend like nothing is going on . . . yuck. It helps to know I have people on my side out here in blog land!
Nice Girl
HA! Sounds like your kitten is at least comic relief after your yucky days at work. Don\’t worry, she will survive the kittenhood to become a fat, lazy cat who does nothing but sleep all day on her back with her paw tucked behind her head. Sly does that but he flattens himself completely out by splaying his arms and legs flat to the ground. He looks like a pancake — a fat pancake — but a pancake nonetheless. I miss my blog! Can you access it yet?Amanda 🙂
Gillian
no, amanda, i can\’t! Still freezing up! What is UP??
Amanda
hmmmmmmmmm, i can add a few things to the list myslef.1. find a way to squeeze into my room, slide under my covers, and with the speed of a tiger stab any part of me with your claws, then when i sit up from the pain, please make sure to pounce on my head and swat my hair as if on fire.2. decide that the toilet is the most interesting thing in the room and jump onto it so that you can splishy splash the water from up high.3. sit on my head and if i so much as breathe too loudly, flex your paws so your claws peak out and remind me that they are in fact there and amazingly close to my eyes.4. the redeeming factors, jump really high and change directions in mid-air (bonus if you hit a wall or human appendage while doing so), grab everything while you lay on your back and swing your back legs up over your head, and finally, climb up my chest while i am watching tv only to lick my nose.
Sun Goddess
Lol. I promise not to do any of those.