Digging in my Heels
The Professor and I are largely laid back people, and we rarely fight. But today, we’re fighting (in a still largely friendly but-the-undertone-is-mothertrucking-serious kind of way). Over THE MOST ridiculous thing.
So I put it to you, not to pick sides, but to perhaps help us find a way to compromise. The issue involves The Santa Myth.
The Setup
I had never spent a Christmas Eve or Christmas Day outside of my parents’ house until my first Christmas-at-a-boyfriend’s-place when I was 21 (which went over with my parents like a Led Zeppelin – but that’s another story, and it falls under the category of It Sometimes Sucks to be the Oldest). We had our own traditions that my parents developed, out of thin air I guess, but they felt (and feel) as ancient and settled and traditional as the idea of Santa Claus himself. There was never any question of competing ideas about the Christmas morning routine, because we never lived remotely near enough to family to be able to visit for the holidays (or, like, ever. It is really far to drive from San Diego, CA to Pittsburgh, PA, and we did not have the dolla billz to fly. During our Virginia years, we were probably close enough, but had already established that Christmas was always at home.)
The Professor never (or almost never – he isn’t here right now to fact check) spent a Christmas at his parents’. As a kid, they pretty much always went to visit one set of grandparents or another, usually with cousins thrown in the mix. I’m a little fuzzy on the details, but I think it was mostly the one place in the midwest that they went, with occasional trips to the other grandparents.
Setting the Scene – The Reluctant Grownup’s Childhood Christmases
Every year of my childhood, on Christmas Eve there were a few wrapped presents are under the tree: some from extended family, some from us kids, a couple from Mom and Dad. The empty stockings would hang limply from the mantel (or if we had no mantel, from wherever my mother found to put them). We would leave a letter and some cookies and milk for Santa and carrots for the reindeer. We would wake up the next day and not be allowed in the room with the gifts until my dad had set up the camera and done various other pitter pattery type activities that were designed to drive us crazy (along with his loud commentary about the amazing things he could see that we couldn’t). When we finally filed in, lined up oldest to youngest (except for later years when I would carry my baby girl, Corrie, who is about to get married, sniffle), wrapped presents would be everywhere, stockings filled to overflowing, the cookies and carrots nibbled, a reply from Santa on the plate. We would open all of the gifts in our pjs, a flurry of paper and mess, then mom would make a big pancake or scrambled eggs breakfast. We’d get dressed and enjoy the morning, and then in the later afternoon we would open stockings. There was always at least one wrapped little special thing in there, so we would have that to look forward to all morning after the let-down of finishing up the major gift-opening.
A Rough Idea of The Professor’s Childhood, Incomplete Not to Sway Your Vote But Simply Because He Is Not Here Right Now and it Turns Out I Know Less Than I Think I Do
The Professor and his Sister, however, spent the first part of virtually all of their Christmas breaks driving a fair distance to get to Grandma’s. Grandma’s usually had all the cousins, too (?) and it was a chaotic house of fun and happiness, involving lots of snow and cookies and guilt from Grandma over not eating enough at dinner. Their routine was similar to ours, though it involved waking to discover Santa presents in a corner that were unwrapped (as well as the wrapped family ones under the tree). The kids would check out their unwrapped Santa gifts, then do stockings, then dress up for a drive to an interminably long brunch at an Aunt’s house while the wrapped presents at Grandma’s stayed wrapped, waiting under the tree for the kids to return from brunch and tear into them. I believe their father’s cruel and unusual punishment involved lingering over coffee and asking for seconds on eggs, in a loud, theatrical voice, while the children hollered in the misery of anticipation. (So we have established that we both have masochistic fathers, at least).
The Crux of the Dilemma
The “out of order” way of doing things is fine with us – stockings in the morning, stockings in the afternoon, breakfast first or second, whatever – that’s all fine to change from place to place. The only thing at issue here: Santa wraps his presents and mixes them in with Mom and Dad gifts under the tree at my house, and Santa keeps his presents unwrapped and sitting in the corner at The Professor’s house. As our children take turns spending Christmas at one house or the other, it could give the lie to the Santa Myth to have it so different.
The Unsuccessful Negotiation
I put forth an exploratory email, proposing that Santa wrap presents at all houses, because I have more siblings than The Professor, ergo, I win. This exploratory email was roundly and firmly negated by my husband, who insisted instead that our family stop our 30-years-in-the-making tradition and start doing it his way. He may or may not have also declared his way was superior, something I may or may not have carefully avoided doing myself, because I may or may not be a more sensitive and diplomatic person, but I won’t tell you for sure because I wouldn’t want to throw him under a bus here. Instead, though, I quickly realized as I balked at the idea of changing my family’s tradition that (a) I was NOT going to change my family’s tradition, (b) to ask another family to do so was probably going to get the same response, and was out of line, and (c) we were going to have to figure out some reason why Santa changes his methods from house to house.
How You Can Help
Any ideas on how we can explain why Santa changes his methods from house to house? Any other comments of your experiences blending family traditions? I realize this is such a small issue in the scheme of things, and suddenly have lots more appreciation for blended Jewish-Christian families, for example, or international relationships. I’ve been startled at the ferocity of my protectiveness of my own family’s way. Maybe it’s that old chestnut, the excuse to which I perennially return, My Military Upbringing, which allowed for so little in the way of familiarity and roots and continuity that I cling tightly to whatever I had that was familiar. But The Professor is clinging just as tightly to his way, so maybe it’s just holding onto childhood or something. Whatever.
I don’t want to have to kill my stubborn husband, and he doesn’t want to have to kill his stubborn wife, so help us out. Any ideas?
14 Comments
Corrie
This I’ll comment on, not b/c I have an answer but because I know exactly what you mean. Andrew already knows how incredibly important Christmas at our parents’ house is to me and I may or may not (to borrow the phrase) have overemphasized the point to bring about arguments of our own. My question is, why didn’t Santa wrap the presents? aren’t the elves there for that too? But regardless, you could just tell the boys that Nana and Grandpa Doc got the presents from Santa and wrapped them for him? or that he only wraps presents in every other house because he needs to keep them separate and organized! Okay, I don’t know. but i’ll be thinking. I just really enjoyed your description of our wedding b/c it is exact, and it made me realize how constant Christmas tradition has been. and I love it. -Cor
Jennifer
Alrighty…so we don’t yet have this issue in our house since Abigail is too young, but when my step-daugher was still a ‘believer’ she actually didn’t question any difference between our home and her mom’s (or grandma’s…). She seemed thrilled and excited to get gifts from the jolly man and couldn’t have cared less how it occurred. And if she asked a question, we came up with an answer, like ‘oh, Santa was really busy this year with lots of kids so he couldn’t wrap everything’, or ‘santa left mommy and daddy a note telling us that you should wait until after breakfast this year to open your gifts, and we have to do what he asked….’. No reason the traditions can’t vary and Santa can be the culprit of all the inconsistency.
My family did the all-wrapped gifts under the tree, with the masochistic paternal behavior, so I will admit my bias to your side. That said, as we got older, all the Santa gifts were contained in the stockings (some wrapped, some not), and there was rarely a Santa present under the tree. Just another thought….
In my house, we have differing traditions on how fast we should ‘appreciate’ the loot. In my husband’s childhood home, they ripped into gifts first thing, in PJs, and were well and done before 8am. In my childhood home, we got dressed, had some traditional Norwegian bread and coffee (or hot cocoa) while staring at the pile under the tree…ah! the torture!! and then we went around the room and each person opened one gift while everyone watched, before moving on to the next person in the room….usually going from youngest to oldest. Typically, my parents further delayed the day by not allowing me to open THE gift until the very bitter end. You know, the one you wanted and asked for and hoped and prayed you would get. It took all morning, then we would break for more food and return for stockings after food. We’ve compromised somewhat on our speed of opening, but it still feels too fast for me 🙂 Oh well….guess that’s part of keeping the peace.
EH
My mother had Christmas so tightly controlled that it was one of the first things we jettisoned in our new life. Our pre-child routine was a nice dinner Christmas eve, then gifts, then bed, then a lazy Christmas day. There is absolutely no post-gift let down, and it’s a delight.
Having a child did throw a wrench into the whole business, because who wants to wind a kid up right before bedtime? This is the first year that P is really into Christmas, and her gifts are starting to appear under “her” tree (since we have three little ones, one each). (Part of what I like about Christmas is how the gifts slowly build under the tree.)
But I’m digressing. Anyway, my suggestion would be to perhaps start a new tradition that incorporates the bits you both love the most from your own traditions.
EH
Arg. I just updated my website – it was leaving the old one!
Vern
My Christmas growing up was almost identical to yours, and how I see us doing it for Savannah in the future. Not this year, though. We’re not bothering to set up the tree, because it’ll be just one more thing we have to keep her from attacking.
My question is, is not having the presents from Santa wrapped an important part of the tradition? Unwrapping the presents is part of the fun of it! I don’t think I can help you settle this. At my highest level of magnanimity, I’m a bitter compromiser, and I think your way, which is also my way, is how it should be done. No offense to Prof, who’s opinions on all matters, apart from this one, I hold in high regard!
And having said that, I’m not recommending that you wade back into this discussion armed with my opinion….
Amanda
I’m not going to bore you by telling you about all of our family Christmas traditions (or McHub’s for that matter), but here is a suggestion you might go with…maybe Santa wraps some gifts and not others?
Like, everyone has to compromise a little and maybe Santa wraps half of the gifts? Maybe he wraps all of the gifts but one? Maybe he wraps all but three? IDK. Just an idea.
Seems like everyone would sort of get what they want out of the deal that way.
PRW
Just alternate and do it according to local tradition every other year. I do not accept the premise of the question. At their age, the offspring do not possess the critical reasoning skills to even question the logic behind Santa, and once they do, bigger problems will arise (such as the physics of the whole thing).
Do it his way this year, then do it yours next year. No biggie.
RG
🙂 Good ideas, all!
And they are too young to get much of anything this year, but this may be the first year they remember any details of – especially, Ella, homegirl is sharp. I don’t predict questions until age 5 or 6, but we’re thinking ahead. It’s fun to plan these traditions together (usually). Since we know they’ll be an important part of these kids’ lives for many years, and part of their memories forever, inevitably we all project what it all will mean in the future and how to create the Absolute Best Ever Christmas Morning Traditions. I guess its a testament to how much we both enjoyed OUR childhood memories that we both so dearly want to share them with our kiddoes.
We’ll work it out, with minimal bloodshed. Love your ideas!
LEO
I guess I agree that you have to find some compromise (ugh) but maybe it could be to wrap everything and then separate out presents that are from Santa? That way, you could do it wherever you go. But I’m also not sure your kids will every really think anything of it to just change things up depending on where you are. By the time they’re old enough to get it, they’ll just be excited to get presents.
By the way, my husband has celebrated every single Christmas but one at his family’s house (where a whole bunch of crazy Italians gather every single year and do the same exact thing, eat the same food, blah blah blah). I personally hate their traditions because it’s all about cleaning/cooking and entertaining people that I find boring. Most years, they forget to open presents until the next day, which sort of breaks my heart because growing up we raced down the stairs Christmas morning to take turns opening presents before breakfast. Now that Christmas is also Timmy’s birthday, I told my husband that any year we are back there, we are taking a few hours to ourselves Christmas morning away from his family to go celebrate. Our idea this year is to head into Manhattan, get a bagel/coffee/black & white cookie and walk around looking at the pretty lights and snow.
I guess my point is that nothing can beat the traditions you grew up with, but for your kids, that could be any variation on the traditions you and your husband know.
CCL
I really don’t think the kids will question why Santa does different things at different houses. I mean, they’ll talk to their friends and realize that he’s not consistent. I think the bigger issue will be when you have to decide whether or not you’ll travel or stay home for Christmas. You can save that fight for later… 🙂
CM
Agree with those who say the kids won’t care even if they do notice — I think a perfectly good explanation is, “Santa does it this way here, and a different way at Grandma’s house.” Why? I don’t know, why does Santa make a bunch of reindeer fly him around instead of taking a plane? Who can fathom the ways of Santa? Let everybody be happy with their own Christmas tradition.
Donna L
So, I assume you figured it out for this year, since the moment has passed, so to speak, but I thought I’d throw my two cents in here anyway. My ex-hubby and I also had pretty significantly different Christmases growing up (not so much in the big, grand idea of Christmas, but most certainly in all the details.) One of the differences was the same wrapped/unwrapped Santa gifts you struggled with. Ultimately, we did things my way, since I was the primary gift buyer/wrapper/put-under-the-tree-er. However, whenever we went to his parents house with the kids, things were different. The kids noticed things were different, and they asked questions. We went with the whole, “Santa does things different at different households, depending on what the mommies and daddies like best” thing. And the kids were completely cool with that, and didn’t have any suspicion. I think they kind of realize early on that Santa’s a flexible kind of guy, because how unfair would it be if the kids who lived in houses without a fireplace never got presents because Santa’s preferred entry way is that particular opening. When necessary (or desired), Santa can certainly work out an alternate arrangement–like, say, leaving the presents unwrapped–or wrapping ’em up.
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